Mysterion Has TittyVision
by ThreadbareSP
Summary: This story is my pride and joy; my gift to the realm of comedy. "Greetings, fellow superheroes! I am... Stethoscope!" Coon & Friends begrudgingly allow an oddball superhero to work as their secretary. Meanwhile, Mysterion deals with some titty issues. TSP Episode #203
1. Superheroes Need Secretaries Too

**Threadbare South Park  
><strong>**Episode #203: "Mysterion Has Titty-Vision"**

_NOTE: This piece is written in the form of a script. It's rated T for naughty language and sexual content. Kenny's lines are parenthesized to indicate that they are muffled._

_This story takes place shortly after the establishment of Coon & Friends, before the BP incident. As a friendly reminder, the members of Coon & Friends are as follows:_

The Coon (Cartman)  
>Toolshed (Stan)<br>Human Kite (Kyle)  
>Mysterion (Kenny)<br>TupperWare (Token)  
>Mosquito (Clyde)<br>Iron Maiden (Timmy)  
>Mint-Berry Crunch (Bradley)<p>

_I refer to them by their superhero names when they're in costume and their real names when they aren't._

* * *

><p><strong>Part 1. Superheroes Need Secretaries Too<strong>

* * *

><p>ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS EPISODE-EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE-ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. ALL CANON CHARACTERS' LINES ARE WRITTEN BY THREADBARE...POORLY. THE FOLLOWING SCRIPT CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE.<p>

_The superheroes of Coon & Friends are having a meeting in their secret headquarters in Cartman's basement. The Coon sits at the head of the table. He raps one of his claws on the table and starts the meeting._

The Coon: Welcome, fellow superheroes, to another meeting of our illustrious organization, Coon & Friends. Okay, who has the minutes from last week?

Human Kite: Toolshed took the minutes last week, right?

Toolshed: Nuh-uh… I thought we decided that was going to be TupperWare's job.

The Coon (starting to get annoyed): Where are the fucking minutes, TupperWare?

TupperWare: Did I…? Oh! I remember! I gave them to Iron Maiden!

Iron Maiden: TIMMEH!

The Coon: Where'd you put the minutes, Iron Maiden?

Iron Maiden: TIMMAY! Livin'-a-lie TIMMAY!

_The Coon sighs in frustration. He glares at the other superheroes._

The Coon: Okay, new Coon & Friends rule: Don't give important documents to Iron Maiden, because he's a fucking retard.

Iron Maiden (angrily): Timmeh…

Human Kite: Dude! That's not cool! Don't call Iron Maiden a retard!

The Coon: But he's retarded.

Mysterion: Seriously, Cartman, you can't just call Timmy a retard.

The Coon: Whatever. The point is, Iron Maiden can't keep track of shit. Where's the official Coon & Friends Rulebook?

Mint-Berry Crunch (sheepishly): I… I gave it to Iron Maiden.

Iron Maiden: Livin'-a-lie TIMMAY!

The Coon (slamming his hands on the tabletop): The _fuck_, you guys? We can't be an elite superhero crime-fighting syndicate if we can't keep track of our fucking _shit_!

TupperWare: Look, why does it even matter if we keep track of the minutes? I mean, can't we just go ahead and fight crime without them?

The Coon (sighing, exasperated): Coon & Friends is a not-for-profit organization, and in order to be eligible for tax exemption, we need the fucking minutes!

Mosquito: I kind of just want to be a superhero.

The Coon: Fuck you, Mosquito!

_Just then, the heroes can hear the door to the headquarters (Cartman's basement) creak open. They look up at the stairs and see Charlie walk partway down._

The Coon (annoyed, to himself): Motherfucker.

Charlie: Are you guys playing superheroes again?

The Coon: Damn it, we aren't "playing superheroes"! We're having a Coon & Friends meeting! Now get your ass out of here!

Charlie: Can I be a superhero too?

The Coon: No.

Charlie: Please?

The Coon: What part of "no" do you not understand? Girls aren't allowed in Coon & Friends. Now get the fuck out of here before I have Human Kite zap you with his laser vision!

_The Human Kite stares intently at Charlie with his hands on his temples as if focusing a psychic energy. He makes zapping noises with his mouth. Charlie stomps out of the "headquarters". Once the door to the basement slams, the Coon glares at Toolshed._

The Coon: What the fuck, Stan?

Toolshed: I didn't tell her, I swear!

The Coon: Then how did she know we were having a meeting again?

Toolshed: Come on, dude… It-it isn't that hard to tell. She probably just knows to check here when we're all suddenly gone.

The Coon: Well, you'd better tell her that next time she comes down here, we're gonna sic Iron Maiden on her.

Iron Maiden: TIMMAY!

TupperWare: …Should I put all this in the minutes?

* * *

><p><em>Toolshed enters the Marsh house after the meeting ends. He sneaks upstairs past his parents and runs to his room. He opens the door to find Charlie dressed in a tight neon green jumpsuit and goggles. She's wearing large woolen socks. Toolshed stares at her oddly.<em>

Electroshock: Greetings, Toolshed! I am Electroshock, and I come in search of an alliance!

Toolshed: What the hell are you doing?

Electroshock: I am Electroshock! I too am a superhero! I have the ability to deliver high-voltage electric shocks to my foes!

Stan (taking off his Toolshed goggles and putting on his hat): Get out of my room, Charlie.

Electroshock: But look! I've got a costume, and I already know my powers and everything! Can I play superheroes with you guys?

Stan: For your information, we aren't just "playing" superheroes. We actually fight crime.

Electroshock: Can I fight crime with you guys then?

Stan: No. Get out.

_Electroshock glares at Stan, then walks up and pokes his cheek, delivering a "high-voltage electric shock" to her "foe"._

Stan: Ow! What the hell, Charlie?

_Electroshock smiles, rubs her feet on the carpet, and pokes him again. She repeats this several times as Stan yells at her._

Stan: Ow! Get out of here! You—ow! You definitely can't join if you're going to be an asshole!

* * *

><p><em>It's the middle of the night. Stan is asleep in his bed when someone starts nudging him.<em>

Stan (opening his eyes tiredly): Wha—What?

_He turns on his bedside lamp. Charlie stands next to the bed. She wears a dark green shirt and light green tights, and she wears a leafy laurel on her head._

Coniferus: Greetings, Toolshed! I am… Coniferus!

Stan (exhausted and annoyed): Go away, Charlie.

_He lies back down and covers his head with his pillow. Coniferus lifts up the pillow and continues._

Coniferus: I have the ability to communicate with plants and animals!

Stan: That's _soooo_ gay.

Coniferus: …It is?

Stan: Yeah. That's, like, the gayest thing since... [yawn] since, like... skinny jeans…

_He grabs the pillow out of Coniferus' hand and goes back to sleep._

* * *

><p><em>The next morning, Stan is eating a bowl of Cap'n Crunch's Crunch Berries (NOW WITH AN EXCITING NEW MINT FLAVOR!) when Charlie comes up to the table, dressed in a lab coat. She wears thick glasses and medical gloves. Stan sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose.<em>

Doctor Faustus: Greetings, Toolshed! I am Doctor Faustus, and I have the power to reanimate the dead!

Stan: Charlie, did you ever stop to consider that maybe it isn't the costumes you're screwing up, and maybe it's just… you?

Charlie (taking off the glasses): …What do you mean?

Stan: I mean you should just give it up. You can't join the group. Unless Cartman decides to change the rules, you're out. And trust me, Cartman isn't—

_Charlie has already run out of the room. Stan sighs._

* * *

><p><em>Charlie rings the doorbell at Cartman's house. After a few seconds, Cartman opens the door.<em>

Cartman: Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in. If it isn't Miss Tittie Long-Stocking. Whatever could she want?

Charlie: [After a brief pause.] Cartman, can I please join Coon & Friends?

Cartman: Hmm, let me think about that for awhile. Uh, no.

Charlie: Why not?

Cartman: Because… I hate you.

Charlie: But you hate Kyle more than you hate me, and you let him play with you guys.

Cartman: Damn it! We don't "play!" We fight crime! Is crime "playtime" for you? Is that how you get your rocks off? Do you think arson, and murder, and rape are some sort of… sick game?

Charlie: I didn't—

Cartman: And don't you DARE try to tell me where to place my hate! There's plenty to go 'round! Besides, you're a girl. And girls aren't allowed in Coon & Friends.

Charlie: Yeah, but I'm not _really_ a girl. I mean, I have a vagina and stuff, but… but I'm cool. …Right?

_Cartman stares at her, mildly disgusted, but doesn't say anything._

Charlie: [Sigh.] Look, what do I have to do for you to let me in the group?

Cartman: There isn't anything you can do. [He pauses.] Well, there is one thing…

Charlie: What is it?

Cartman: First, I need you to buy a pickaxe, a shovel, and some trash bags.

Charlie: Yeah?

Cartman: And then I want you to use those items… to kill Kyle.

_Charlie's hopeful expression turns to one of annoyance._

Charlie: I'm not going to kill Kyle, Cartman.

Cartman: I thought you wanted to join Coon & Friends.

Charlie: Yeah, but I'm not going to kill Kyle.

Cartman: I'll give you three days to think it over. After sundown on the third day, the deal is off. [Charlie stares blankly at him.] When you decide, you know how to reach me.

Charlie: I don't need three days to think it over. I'm not killing Kyle.

Cartman (sighing): Fine. You can kill Stan, if you really want to haggle this way.

Charlie: I'm not killing anybody.

Cartman: Then you're not joining Coon & Friends. End of story.

_He closes the door on her. She steps off the stoop, looking angry._

Charlie: I'll show him. I'll show all of them. I'm going to make the best superhero identity they've ever seen!

* * *

><p><em>Charlie sits on the floor in Shelley's room, drawing out plans for her costume. She pauses, taps her chin with her pencil, then smiles as if struck by a stroke of brilliance. She beings scribbling frantically.<em>

Charlie: Yes… Yes… Yes! It's perfect! They'll have to let me in their stupid club now!

* * *

><p><em>Coon &amp; Friends is at another meeting in their secret headquarters. The Coon sits at the head of the table, looking extremely irritated.<em>

The Coon: You lost. The minutes. Again.

TupperWare: I'm sorry! My mom thought they were junk so she recycled them!

The Coon: [Sarcastically] Oh good! At least she recycled them! Too bad humanity won't be able to enjoy the nice clean earth once we've been wiped out by crime!

Human Kite: Cartman—

The Coon: That's "The Coon" to you, asshole!

Human Kite: …The Coon, don't you think you're overreacting? I mean, it's really not that big a deal. We should really be trying to do something productive while we're here, not just waste our time worrying about last meeting's minutes.

_The Coon sighs deeply, then he pauses for several seconds._

The Coon: Kyle, I hate you _soooo_ much. I mean,_ SOOOOO_ much. Like, if you took all the hate of all the other people in the world and combined it into one giant ball of loathing, I think I'd still hate you more.

_Just then, the boys can hear the sound of the basement door flying open. Heroic music begins to play, and another superhero runs down the stairs, holding a cassette player. It is, of course, Charlie. She is dressed in a skin-tight orange leotard with a blue swimsuit bottom, grey boots, blue gloves, and a purple mask and cape. The most distinctive feature of her outfit, however, is the large metallic aperture attached to her head. By attaching thick wire to the ends of a set of headphones and a large metal ring resting on the top of her head, she has managed to balance a large circular object a good eighteen inches above her head. It is a large model of a doctor's stethoscope. The boys stare at her, baffled by the bizarre costume._

Stethoscope: Greetings, fellow superheroes! I am… [she strikes a heroic pose, pointing at the sky] STETHOSCOPE! [The music stops.]

The Coon: And I am… at a complete loss for words.

TupperWare: …Stethoscope?

Stethoscope: With my superhuman hearing and my ability to communicate with the creatures of the ocean*, I believe I would be a valuable asset to your alliance!

Stan (pinching the bridge of his nose): Oh my God. Go home, Charlie.

Mosquito: Yeah, we can't have girls with no pants on in this group. Mysterion won't be able to focus.

_Mysterion is indeed staring at Stethoscope, and he looks quite distracted. Stethoscope looks crestfallen. She had expected a more positive reaction._

Stethoscope: Come on you guys. [She puts a hand to one of the wires coming off of her head.] Do you have any idea how long it took me to make this?

The Coon: Pfft. Too long, apparently. Sorry, kiddo.

Mosquito: What's that thing supposed to be, anyway?

Stethoscope: It's a giant upside-down stethoscope. It gives me super-hearing abilities.

Mosquito: Really? That's kind of cool.

Stethoscope: Sorry? You're gonna have to speak up. This thing doesn't really work. I can't hear anything.

The Coon: Nuh-uh, Clyde. Super-hearing is a really lame power.

Stethoscope: That's a little harsh for someone who let Captain Crunch in the club.

Mint-Berry Crunch: Nothing beats the awesome power of a well-balanced breakfast!

Human Kite: I don't know, guys. Maybe it wouldn't be such a big deal to let her join.

The Coon: Fuck you, Human Kite.

Mysterion (staring at Stethoscope's tight-fitting leotard): I absolutely agree. I think it'd be a very, very good idea to let her join.

Stethoscope: See? Kyle and Kenny are with the program.

The Coon: Kyle doesn't count, and Mysterion's just ogling your hooters.

Mysterion: That is absolutely untrue!

Stethoscope: My what…?

The Coon: This is getting out of hand. Methoscope, you stay over there. Coon & Friends need to have a private conversation.

_The Coon & Friends huddle around the table._

Mysterion: Did any of you know that she was starting to… you know…?

TupperWare: Starting to what?

Mysterion: …Develop?

The Coon: [Sighing] Mysterion, you really need to keep your penis in your pants. Now, I need to remind you all of something: when we first established the Coon & Friends over ten days ago, we founded it on a set of core principles. One of those principles was that girls were not allowed in the club. And do you remember _why_ we made that rule?

_The others think._

TupperWare: I'm pretty sure it was something about Mysterion needing to focus.

Mosquito: Yeah, somethin' about "titties".

Mysterion: Hey, that's not true! Kenny McCormick might get distracted by titties, but not Mysterion!

The Coon: Yeah, I was thinking more along the lines of "they come up with superhero identities like 'the Stethoscope,'" but that works too. Of course, if we hadn't lost the _RULEBOOK_, Iron Maiden, we wouldn't have to speculate.

Stethoscope (getting their attention from across the basement): I can hear you guys! I can hear your whole secret conversation!

The Coon (shouting back to her): Nuh-uh, no you can't!

Stethoscope (loudly): Charlie Pierzynski can't hear you, but Stethoscope has super-hearing abilities, and she can hear everything you're saying.

Mosquito: She's right.

The Coon: Nuh-uh, Clyde! She's just pretending!

_The other boys look at each other._

Human Kite: Well, what's the point of being superheroes if we don't _pretend_ like we have superpowers?

Mosquito: Yeah. If we don't role-play right, then this whole thing kind of sucks.

Stethoscope (yelling): You guys? You guys? You need to build a… a sound-proof vacuum chamber. Otherwise I can hear you.

Mosquito: Wow. She's good.

The Coon: Oh, come on, you guys! Do you really want a girl in Coon & Friends?

_The boys look at each other again._

Toolshed: …No.

Human Kite: Well, look, maybe we could cut her a deal or something. Like, maybe she could be an unofficial member and just come to some of the meetings or something.

The Coon: What the fuck, Human Kite? I'm seriously, that's, like, the gayest thing I've ever heard.

Toolshed: Wait, I think the Human Kite might be onto something. [The Coon rolls his eyes.] No-no, just hear me out on this. We've been having lots of trouble keeping track of stuff, right?

The Coon: Well, that's mostly just Timmy's fault.

Iron Maiden (indignant): Timmay!

Toolshed: So what if we had, like, a secretary** or something? You know, someone to hold onto all our stuff and take the minutes and everything. We could let her be a secretary instead of an official member, and she'd be allowed to come to some meetings, but not talk so much.

The Coon: That's your brilliant idea?

Mosquito: I think that's a good idea.

TupperWare: Me too. Writing minutes is for pussies. I don't want to do it anymore.

Mint-Berry Crunch: This plan has the approval of Mint-Berry Crrrrunch!

The Coon: Seriously you guys, you're really busting my balls right now.

Toolshed: Come on, Cartman, it's not that big a deal. Plus, girls are, like, super organized, so you won't have to worry about losing all your crap anymore.

The Coon: [Pause.] …She won't be an official member, right? Because she needs to kill Kyle for that.

Human Kite: Wait, what?

Toolshed: Not an official member. Just a secretary. She won't be allowed to go on missions with us.

The Coon: I can't believe I'm actually considering this right now… [He sighs deeply.] Fine. You guys suck ass, but fine. But we have to be absolutely sure about something first… Mysterion, you're sure you won't be totally distracted by her huge friggin' knockers?

Toolshed: Dude, _what_ knockers?

Mysterion: I'm sure. Whereas Kenny McCormick might have difficulty with this challenge, Mysterion is above the carnal desires of the flesh. He is the very _pinnacle_ of valor and moral propriety.

Mosquito: How could you have difficulty ignoring things that _aren't there_?

Mysterion: They are there. You just have to look really hard.

_The boys all glance over at Stethoscope from the table._

Stethoscope: Are you guys done talking?

TupperWare: I don't see it.

Mysterion (gesturing at Stethoscope): What, are you guys blind?

The Coon: Mysterion, do you need to go sit in the corner until you've got your raging boner under control?

Mysterion: Mysterion doesn't get boners! Kenny gets boners!

Stethoscope: What are you guys talking about?

Toolshed: Nothing. You're our new secretary.

Stethoscope (holding her arms up over her head): Yippee!

_Mysterion's eyes widen. He looks down. Ashamed, he walks over to the corner._

* * *

><p>*Aqua-Man reference! Lame superheroes kick ass... if that makes any sense.<p>

**Another superhero reference. In the early _Justice League_ comics, Wonder Woman, the only female in the group, was their secretary, not a full team-member.


	2. Jacking Off

**TSP Episode #203: "Mysterion Has Titty-Vision"**

_As a friendly reminder, the members of Coon & Friends are as follows:_

The Coon (Cartman)  
>Toolshed (Stan)<br>Human Kite (Kyle)  
>Mysterion (Kenny)<br>TupperWare (Token)  
>Mosquito (Clyde)<br>Iron Maiden (Timmy)  
>Mint-Berry Crunch (Bradley)<br>(And Charlie is "secretary" Stethoscope)

_I refer to them by their superhero names when they're in costume and their real names when they aren't._

* * *

><p><strong>Part 2. Jacking Off<strong>

* * *

><p><em>The Coon, TupperWare, Toolshed, and Stethoscope are in Cartman's basement. They are on a brief tour of the Coon &amp; Friends secret headquarters.<em>

The Coon (gesturing to a small television decked with the Coon logo): This is the Coon & Friends Crime Monitor Super System 3000. It's the device we use to identify situations that might need the assistance of Coon & Friends.

Stethoscope: Cool! You guys have your own TV?

_She reaches up to turn it on, but the Coon swipes her hands out of the way._

The Coon: Uh-uh-uh, you keep your filthy little hands off of the Coon & Friends Crime Monitor Super System 3000, Stethoscope! Are you blind? This is clearly marked as a Vagina-Free Zone!

_He points to a small label on the bottom of the television. It shows the word "VAGINA" in a red circle with a slash through it. He walks on, followed by a somewhat disappointed Stethoscope. TupperWare and Toolshed walk up to the monitor, look at the label, then look over at the Coon with expressions of bewilderment before they follow them. As they walk past various mechanical devices, signs, posters, and bulletin boards (all labeled as Vagina-Free Zones)_

The Coon (as he walks): Now, as you might have noticed, there are more items in the headquarters with similar labels on them. These objects and locations are also Vagina-Free-Zones, or, colloquially, VFZs.

Stethoscope: …But all this stuff is marked.

The Coon: Yes. Exactly.

Stethoscope: Is there anything I can touch?

The Coon: Yes. TupperWare, the Coon & Friends file, please.

_TupperWare hands the Coon a thick file._

The Coon: This is the Coon & Friends official file. We've got minutes, proof of purchases, headshots, crime write-ups, mug shots, you name it. All right here.

_He opens the file and flips through the pages._

The Coon: Now, as you can see, you're not to touch the crime write-ups, criminal profiles, case notes, or the headshots. But you have all the access to the minutes and receipts your little heart desires.

_He hands Stethoscope a smaller file within the large one. She looks at the pages, then she looks at the Coon._

The Coon: You're welcome.

_They approach the table, where each of the chairs seems to be labeled as VFZs as well. Charlie, ignoring this, sits down in one of them._

The Coon: The fuck, Stethoscope? You can't just rub your ass all over Mosquito's chair! That's how people get the clap, asshole!

Stethoscope (standing up): Wait… but all the chairs are labeled as VFZs, then where do I sit?

The Coon: [Pause.] Who said anything about you sitting?

TupperWare: Now you're just being an asshole, Coon.

The Coon: Fine! Fine. Stethoscope, you can sit down, but you have to bring your own chair. Now, TupperWare, go through the past minutes and teach her how to keep the records. My Coon Senses are telling me that there are pizza bagels upstairs.

* * *

><p><em>The Coon &amp; Friends (&amp; Secretary) sit at the table in the headquarters, looking bored. Several of them rest their elbows on the table. Mint-Berry Crunch is asleep in his chair, drooling a little. Only the Coon is still fully alert, flipping through major and local news channels on The Coon &amp; Friends Crime Monitor Super System 3000.<em>

The Coon: Politics… politics… celebrity news… sports… politics… human interest story… politics…

Toolshed (bored and tired): Dude, maybe we should just call it a night. Nothing's happening.

The Coon (dramatically): There's always something happening, Toolshed. You just need to keep your eyes open. [He continues flipping through channels.] Celebrity sex scandal… something happening in Africa; don't really give a shit… Damn it! Why isn't anybody doing anything? We just need someone to break into a convenience store; is that too much to ask?

Stethoscope: You know what you guys all need?

The Coon: Aspirin if you don't stop frickin' talking.

Stethoscope: You guys all need origin stories.

Mint-Berry Crunch: Origin stories?

Human Kite: It's a story about how you got your superpowers. You know, like Superman's an alien from the planet Krypton and Spiderman got bit by a radioactive spider.

Stethoscope: And Batman's some pissed-off rich guy whose parents got killed. All superheroes have origin stories.

Anchorman: And in other news, Park County police have reported that a body—

[Toolshed: Turn it up! Turn it up!

_The Coon turns up the volume on the television._]

Anchorman: -was discovered this afternoon in the Forest Preserve off Rt. 38. Police declined to comment on the body's identity or whether foul play is suspected, but they did say that the death did not appear to be of natural causes.

Human Kite: This looks like a case for Coon & Friends!

The Coon: Right you are, Human Kite. Come, fellow superheroes! We must investigate this crime and deliver justice to those responsible, in the form of long, angry, coonish scratch marks.

_The Coon & Friends, along with Stethoscope, stand up and rush toward the stairs. Before they reach them, the Coon pauses and turns to face Stethoscope._

The Coon: Um, where exactly do you think you're going?

Stethoscope: I'm going with you guys!

The Coon: Nuh-uh you aren't. This is a special Coon & Friends mission.

Stethoscope: But I'm in Coon & Friends too.

The Coon: You're the secretary. You're not actually an offical Coon & Friend member. You stay here. And don't touch anything!

_Stethoscope dejectedly walks back to her seat (a folding chair) as the others hurry up the stairs._

* * *

><p><em>The Coon &amp; Friends reach the top of the stairs.<em>

The Coon: Mom! Mom! We need you to drive us to the Forest Preserve!

_Ms. Cartman emerges from the kitchen._

Ms. Cartman: It's too late, snookums. You'll have to wait until tomorrow.

The Coon: But Maaahhhm! The Coon & Friends have to go to the Forest Preserve for a super-secret special Coon & Friends crime solving mission right nooowww!

Ms. Cartman: I'm sorry, sugarbear, but I can't take your little friends out to the woods this late at night without their parents' permission.

The Coon: But Maaaaaahhhhhhm!

_Meanwhile, the other superheroes wait at the basement door. Mysterion looks dazed and stares straight ahead._

Mysterion: I am so confused.

Human Kite: About what?

Mysterion (cupping his hands in front of his chest): It's… it's like they get bigger every single day.

_The others look at each other._

Mosquito: Maybe we should add "titty-vision" to Mysterion's superpowers.

Toolshed: Yeah. Mysterion, I think your Kenny is showing.

Ms. Cartman (to the Coon): Eric, I am not driving anyone to the Forest Preserve tonight, and that's final. Now, you and your friends can either finish playing downstairs or you can send them home.

* * *

><p><em>Downstairs, Charlie is carefully sticking Post-It notes to her headpiece, making it look more decorative and colorful. The basement door opens and Toolshed takes a few steps down.<em>

Toolshed: Charlie? We have to go home now.

Stethoscope: Huh? I thought you guys were going on a mission or something.

Toolshed: Nah, Cartman's mom won't drive us.

_Stethoscope gets up and starts walking up the stairs._

Stethoscope: Cartman's mom drives you guys to missions? That doesn't sound very superhero-like.

Toolshed: Well, how the hell are we supposed to get from one place to another if nobody drives us?

_Stethoscope shrugs. Grabs her clipboard and file folder, then heads up the stairs. She bashes her headpiece against the doorway as she tries to exit the basement.*_

Stethoscope: Damn it!

_She succeeds the second time. Upstairs, the other heroes have already left. The Coon still whines to his mother by the couch._

Stethoscope: Bye, Cartman.

The Coon: Piss off!

* * *

><p><em>The next day, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Charlie get off the school bus. Cartman isn't there. They start to walk together down the street.<em>

Stan: I wonder why Cartman wasn't at school today.

Kyle: Maybe he's in the hospital or something. Wouldn't that be awesome?

Charlie: I'm just glad I get to be in your guyses' group for the history project instead.

Stan: Yeah, I don't know why we don't just work with you all the time. Cartman's a lazy asshole.

Kenny: (Do you guys want to go to my house to work on it?)

Kyle: Sure.

* * *

><p><em>The group reaches Kenny's house. They enter through the dilapidated building and are greeted by Kenny's mother, Carol.<em>

Carol: Hey, Kenny, sweetheart. Are you having your friends over to play?

Kenny: (No, Ma, we're just doing homework.)

_The kids walk toward Kenny's room._

Carol (calling after them): Well, you just make sure they're all home by dinner! We don't have enough bread to make toast for everybody!

_They enter Kenny's room and he closes the door, sighing._

Stan: Toast for dinner?

Kenny: (Yeah.)

Stan: Dude, that sucks.

Kyle: And this is where Cartman usually makes some snide comment about Kenny being poor, but he's not here, so I guess we'll have to live without it.

Charlie: I was poor before I lived with Stan's family. Being poor sucks so hard.

Kenny: (Okay, okay! Can we just start working on the dumb project?)

Stan: Sure.

_Stan, Kyle, and Charlie sit on the floor and pull out their history books. They start to read on the subject matter at hand. Kenny sits on his bed and takes out his history book too. Hidden inside the textbook is a Playboy magazine. He glances at each of the others. They are focused on their studies. Kenny flips through a few pages before he comes across a nice picture of a naked woman with large breasts lying on her belly. He stares at it for a little bit. Then he then looks down in the direction of his penis. Apparently something is wrong. Looking irritated, he rubs it a little bit, but that doesn't seem to do anything._

_Sighing, he tosses the magazine back under his bed and opens his history book again, apparently with the intention of studying. As he settles in, he happens to look at Charlie. She is lying stomach-down on the floor in the same general position as the woman in the Playboy picture. She looks totally normal, but Kenny sees major differences in some of her physical characteristics: specifically, she appears to have quite large breasts. Surprised, he rubs his eyes and looks at her again, but sees the same thing. He glances down. Apparently, he now has an erection. He looks slightly puzzled._

Kenny (quietly): (What the fuck?)

_He looks at Charlie again. He then glances in both directions before sticking his hand in his pants. He stares at Charlie. After just a few seconds of this, Stan happens to look up. He glances at Kenny and an expression of disgust crosses his face. When he sees what Kenny's looking at, he is even more outraged._

Stan: KENNY!

_Kyle and Charlie both look up at Kenny, who freezes. Charlie, who has no idea what he's doing, looks confused. Kyle, on the other hand, looks appalled._

Kyle: Ah, dude!

Stan: What the FUCK, Kenny?

_Kenny finally takes his hand out of his pants, looking embarrassed and ashamed. Stan and Kyle glare at him. After a few moments of silence, Stan stands up._

Stan (glowering at Kenny): Kyle, would you please take Charlie home? I need to talk to Kenny. Alone.

Kyle ushers Charlie out of the room. He then peeks his head back through the door.

Kyle (hissing at Kenny): You sick motherfucker.

_Kyle slams the door and leaves Stan and Kenny alone. Neither boy says anything; Stan glares at Kenny, who avoids eye contact and twiddles his thumbs. Finally, after about ten seconds of silence Stan begins to yell._

Stan: What the fuck, Kenny? Seriously: what the FUCK?

Kenny (defensively): (It's not my fault, Stan! It's… it's the titties!)

Stan: Don't you dare make any excuses, you fucking asshole! [Kenny starts crying. Stan rolls his eyes, but he stops yelling.] Dude, come on, Kenny. You… you can't do that, man. You just can't.

Kenny (crying): (I haven't been able to jack off in two weeks, Stan! I… I don't know what's wrong with me!)

Stan: Dude! You're ten!

Kenny (crying): (B-but I have the libido of a seventeen-year-old! [Sniffles] Jacking off isn't just a game for me, okay? It's a lifestyle. And… and I feel so empty!)

Stan: Come on. Now you're just embarrassing yourself. [Kenny lets out an anguished sob.] Honestly! For God's sake, dude, pull yourself together! [Kenny keeps crying.] Kenny? …KENNY!

_Stan punches him in the side of the head. Kenny is startled, but the blow seems to have shaken some sense into him._

Stan: Dude, is this, like, a problem with you liking her or something?

Kenny: (No!)

Stan: Because that's cool and all, but dude… you can't keep acting like this. Honestly, you're being a total jackass.

Kenny (rolling his eyes): [Sigh] (You guys won't really understand this until you start producing more testosterone, but there's a big difference between liking a _girl_ and liking her _tits_.)

Stan: But… yeah, see, that's the thing, Kenny. She doesn't really have tits.

Kenny: (Yes she _does_! Are you out of your goddamn mind? They're fucking _huge_!)

Stan (shaking his head solemnly): Dude, I'm sorry, but as her fake brother, I'm telling you that you're either going to knock it off, or I'm gonna have to kick your ass. Bye, Kenny.

_Stan walks out of the room. Kenny breathes a heavy sigh._

* * *

><p>*Shout out to my man Nick Springthorpe, who suggested this "gag" in a comment to Part 1.<p> 


	3. Little Circles

**TSP Episode #203: "Mysterion Has Titty-Vision"**

* * *

><p><em>As a friendly reminder, the members of Coon &amp; Friends are as follows:<em>

The Coon (Cartman)  
>Toolshed (Stan)<br>Human Kite (Kyle)  
>Mysterion (Kenny)<br>TupperWare (Token)  
>Mosquito (Clyde)<br>Iron Maiden (Timmy)  
>Mint-Berry Crunch (Bradley)<br>(And Charlie is "secretary" Stethoscope)

_I refer to them by their superhero names when they're in costume and their real names when they aren't._

* * *

><p><strong>Part 3. Little Circles inside of Bigger Circles<strong>

* * *

><p><em>After leaving Kenny's house, Kyle and Charlie walk down the street. Kyle still looks angry. Charlie looks confused and nervous.<em>

Kyle: …That asshole!

Charlie: Why are you guys so mad at Kenny? What was he doing?

Kyle: [Sigh.] Look, just… just don't worry about it, okay? It's a Kenny thing. Stan's gonna talk to him and it'll all work out just fine.

_They walk past Cartman's house and he bursts out of the front door in full Coon costume._

The Coon: You guys! You guys! I'm seriously, you've gotta come to a Coon & Friends meeting RIGHT NOW!

Kyle: Why weren't you at school today, fat-ass?

The Coon: School has to wait when the Coon has a crime to solve. Trust me: this will be worth your time. I'm going to call the other Coon & Friends members. We're about to take on what could quite possibly be the most significant case of our careers.

* * *

><p><em>Mysterion walks down the stairs to the Coon &amp; Friends Secret Headquarters. He is the last superhero to arrive. Toolshed and Human Kite glare at him as he sheepishly takes his seat.<em>

The Coon: Very good. Now, since Mysterion finally decided to show up, I call this Emergency Meeting of Coon & Friends to order.

TupperWare: Can we make this one fast? I have a lot of homework.

The Coon: Homework has to come second to fighting crime, TupperWare. Besides, you don't even need to do your homework. Everything in life will be handed to you regardless of your performance in school, thanks to affirmative action. Hooray for retroactive white guilt!

_TupperWare glares at him and crosses his arms._

The Coon: Now it's time to get down to business. Today, while the rest of you so-called "superheroes" went to school to [doing air-quotes] "learn" and "get an education", I, the Coon, continued executing my duty as the watchful protector of South Park. [Human Kite, TupperWare, Toolshed, and Mysterion look annoyed at this.] I had my mom drive me to the Forest Preserve, and I investigated the scene where the body was recovered last night. Using my Coon Senses, I quickly uncovered some… well, frankly, some startling evidence.

_There's a long pause. The other superheroes wait for him to continue. The Coon looks over at Stethoscope._

Mosquito: …Well, what is it? What'd you find?

The Coon (whispering and leaning away from Stethoscope): I'm afraid I can't S-A-Y while the V-A-J-I-N-A is still H-E-R-E…

Stethoscope (annoyed): I can understand you, dumbass. And that's not even how you spell _vagina_.

The Coon: Stethoscope, don't you remember that part of the agreement was that you could only be our secretary if you'd be willing to leave when we tell you to?

Toolshed: Yeah, sorry, Charlie. You've gotta go upstairs for this.

_Stethoscope sighs, annoyed, before grabbing her clipboard and folder and heading upstairs. Mysterion leans over for a better view, and Toolshed punches him in the arm._

Mysterion: It's not what you're thinking. I was just picking something up! I swear!

Toolshed: Fuck you, Kenny.

The Coon: Mysterion, is there a problem here?

Mysterion: No.

The Coon: Good, because I'm pretty sure agreed to let the Human Uterus be a part of this on the condition that you wouldn't be overpowered by her feminine wiles.

Mysterion: I'm not. Toolshed's just being an asshole.

Toolshed: Don't even get me started—

TupperWare: Can we _please_ just get on with this? What were you going to tell us about, Coon?

The Coon: Well, I uncovered some pretty startling evidence. Check this out.

_The Coon pulls out a cardboard box from under the table and pulls out an assortment of items in thin plastic bags with the word "Warren" on each of them._

The Coon: [Holding up the first bag] Bullet casings, three of them; shot out of a .45 caliber handgun.

_The boys gape at the shells, astonished._

The Coon: [Holding up another bag] A pocketknife. It doesn't appear to be bloody, but it could have easily been cleaned off. [Holding up a third bag] And two pounds of high-quality crack cocaine.

Human Kite: Dude! You can't just keep that stuff!

The Coon: And why the hell not?

Human Kite: Because! You have to give that to the police!

The Coon: Nuh-uh. They already investigated and they didn't take it. They lost their chance.

Mysterion: But you can't just keep two points of crack in your basement. That's illegal.

The Coon: Jesus, you guys. Stop being such pussies. I'm not going to use it or anything.

Toolshed: It's still illegal.

The Coon: Not as long as you don't use it it's not.

Human Kite: Yes it is. It's illegal to possess crack cocaine.

The Coon (looking a little confused): N-no… No, my mom said as long as you don't use it it's okay. That's why she can't get in trouble for keeping some in her bedroom.

Toolshed: Dude, your mom is a crack-head.

The Coon: Nuh-uh! She's just holding it for a friend!

Toolshed: Or for a client.

The Coon (enraged): Okay, you know what? Fuck you guys! I was gonna tell you all about the rest of the information the Coon gathered today, but I guess you don't want to hear it!

Mosquito: What other stuff?

The Coon: Well, for one thing, I found out the identity of the vic.

TupperWare: The "vic"?

The Coon: Yes. The "vic". The "victim". Don't black people watch CSI?

Mosquito: Who is it?

The Coon: His name was Edmund Gripe. He was a forty-seven-year-old auto mechanic who worked down at the shop on Fifth Street.

Toolshed: Wait, wait, wait. How'd you figure that out?

The Coon: 'Cause there was a statement on him in the obituaries this morning; God, don't you people know anything? It said he was found dead in the woods, and that he lived alone, never married, had a few friends at the garage, but apart from that, he kept mostly to himself. [He pauses and looks around at the other superheroes dramatically.] My Coon Senses are tingling about this one, you guys. I think that there's a whole other side to this Edward Gripe guy; a whole other side that we, the Coon & Friends, must bring to the surface.

Mosquito: Whoa.

_Just then, Liane opens the basement door and calls down to the boys._

Liane: Clyde, your mom just called. She wants you to come home for dinner.

Mosquito: Aw man.

Liane: In fact, it's probably just about time for all of your little friends to be heading home.

The Coon: But Mo-o-om! We need to investigate a really important mystery filled with murder, sex, drugs, and intrigue!

Liane: It'll just have to wait until tomorrow, poopsy-kins.

_She closes the door. The Coon sighs and looks at his fellow superheroes._

The Coon: We'll meet again tomorrow at three. You'd all better make sure your black asses make it here too.

TupperWare: I find that offensive.

The Coon: Fuck you, TupperWare. [He furrows his brow with dramatized confusion.] You know, the weirdest thing is that they were already in these bags when I found them. It's almost as if someone… meant for them to be found.

* * *

><p><em>At the Park County Police Station, Sgt. Yates and a few of his colleagues stand in front of the desk of the Chief of Police.<em>

Yates: So we talked to the coroner, and apparently, the cause of death is pretty simple. He died of heart failure when he was out for a walk and there was nobody nearby to help him. It's a pretty open-and-shut case. [He sighs and crosses his arms.] Looks like that's it for our old pal Edmund Gripe, God rest his soul.

Chief: Good work, Yates. Now, I want you to get back on the Warren case.

Yates: Yes, sir.

_He walks out of the Chief's office and to the evidence room, where he begins to sift through some boxes. He seems puzzled when he can't find what he's looking for. Another cop enters the evidence room._

Yates: Harris!

Harris: Yes, Sergeant?

Yates: Do you know what happened to the Warren files?

Harris: Uh, I don't think I do, sir. [His eyes suddenly bulge.] Oh, shit.

Yates: What is it?

Harris: I brought some of the stuff to the Gripe scene.

Yates: You what?

Harris (laughing nervously): I… I can't believe it. I… I guess I must have left it there by mistake! Heh… ha-ha. Heh.

Yates: Damn it, Harris! How many times do I need to tell you not to bring your work along to crime scenes? That's how stuff gets lost and mixed up, you bastard!

Harris (looking hurt): It was just a mistake, Sergeant…You don't have to raise your voice.

Yates (sighing): I'm sorry, I'm sorry. But, Jesus, Harris… This is probably the fifth time this has happened.

Harris: I know, I know. I'm just kind of an airhead sometimes.

Yates: Well, let's go to the scene. [They start to walk out of the evidence room, but then Yates stops Harris and stares menacingly at him.] But I'm warning you, Harris, you're gonna have Hell to pay if the stuff isn't there.

* * *

><p><em>Yates and Harris pull up to the scene in the squad car. It's dark out now. They get out of the car with flashlights and start to look around. Harris reaches a particular spot, then looks very nervous.<em>

Harris: No. No. It can't be…

Yates: You find something, Harris?

Harris: Uh… hmm… I don't really know how to say this, sergeant, but, uh… I think the Warren evidence is gone.

Yates: WHAT?

_He rushes up to Harris._

Harris: I swear, I set it down right here, and all that's… all that's left is this… this T-shirt.

Yates bends down and picks up a white T-shirt. He unfolds it. It says "WHO IS THE COON?"

Yates (shouting dramatically at the sky): Damn you, Coon! Damn you to Hell!

* * *

><p><em>Early the next day, Kyle goes up to the door of the Marsh house. Stan answers it.<em>

Stan: Hey, dude.

Kyle: Come on! It's that thing I wanted to show you!

Stan: What thing?

Kyle: You'll see! Just come on!

_Stan and Kyle hurry away from the Marsh house. Once they're gone, Kenny peeks out from the side of the house and goes to the front door. He rings the doorbell. As he waits for someone to answer, he nervously glances over his shoulder a few times. Finally, Sharon opens the door._

Sharon: Why hello, Kenny.

Kenny: (Is Charlie home?)

Sharon: Yes she is. I think she's doing homework up in the study.

Kenny: (Thank you.)

_Kenny walks upstairs. Charlie sits in the study with a textbook open, taking notes in a notebook. Her back faces the door. Kenny walks only a few steps into the room. After a few seconds, Charlie senses that she's being watched. She puts down her pencil and looks over her shoulder at Kenny. For a few seconds, they just stare at each other. Finally, Kenny waves hello._

Kenny: (Hi.)

Charlie: Yeah. Hi.

_There are a few more seconds of awkward silence._

Kenny: (Would you do me a big favor and let me put my penis in your vagina?)

_Charlie stares at him for a few seconds without saying anything._

Charlie: …What?

Kenny: (Can I please put my penis inside your vagina?)

Charlie: No thanks.

Kenny: (Please?)

Charlie: No, Kenny, you can't put your penis inside my vagina!

_Kenny sighs, then walks away. Charlie continues to do her homework. About a minute later, Mysterion walks into the room._

Mysterion: Ahem.

_Charlie looks up, then she looks over her shoulder at Mysterion._

Mysterion: May I please put my penis inside your vagina?

Charlie (irritated): I already told you 'no' twice, Kenny!

Mysterion (gesturing to himself): The costume…? It really doesn't do anything for you?

Charlie: Not for that, it doesn't, _Mysterion_.

Mysterion: But my penis really wants to go inside your vagina.

Charlie: Well, my vagina really doesn't want your penis in it. Go away, or I'm gonna tell Mrs. Marsh on you.

Mysterion: Then can I put my penis inside your mouth?

Charlie (glaring at him and yelling): Mrs. Marsh!

_Mysterion runs away. A few seconds later, Mrs. Marsh appears at the doorway._

Sharon: Yes, sweetie?

_Charlie sighs and looks up at Sharon from the chair._

Charlie: Mrs. Marsh, what do you do when a boy starts acting kind of weird around you?

_Sharon smiles and sits down in a chair that rests against the wall._

Sharon: Oh, that's so sweet. Does one of your little friends have a crush on you?

Charlie: I don't know.

Sharon: Well, who's been acting different around you?

Charlie: It's Kenny. I don't know what's wrong with him.

Sharon (smiling as if she finds this quite adorable): Oh, that's so nice. He's such a sweet little boy.

Charlie: But I don't know what to do. I just want us to be friends like we always were.

Sharon: Well, you see, Charlie, kids your age have little crushes all the time. As you get older, you'll probably find you have "crushes" too. It's just part of growing up. Chances are, it won't last very long, and things will go back to being just like they always were.

Charlie: But Mrs. Marsh?

Sharon: Uh-huh?

Charlie: What do you do when a boy keeps asking to put his penis in your vagina?

* * *

><p><em>At Kenny's house, Kenny is in his room, drawing lots of little circles inside of bigger circles (wink wink).<em>

Carol (hollering from the kitchen): KENNY McCORMICK! GET YOUR SORRY LITTLE ASS OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!

_Kenny puts down his pencil and walks into the kitchen. His parents are standing together. Carol's arms are crossed, and she stares at Kenny angrily. Stuart looks more neutral._

Kenny: (What'd I do?)

Carol: I just got a call from one of your friend's mothers, and do you know what she told me?

Kenny: (What?)

Carol: She says you've been harassing a little girl about puttin' your penis in her vagina!

_Stuart looks amused and tries to stifle a chuckle. Carol glares at him and slaps him in the head with the back of her hand._

Carol: I'm tryin' to discipline your son here, and your laughin' is just going to encourage him to keep acting this way! [She returns her attention to Kenny.] You're too young fer that sort of thing, Kenny, and so is the little girl. I don't want to hear any more about my son hitting on nine-year-olds, you got it?

Kenny: (Yes, Mom.)

_Carol walks out of the room. Stuart glances after her nervously, then he turns to his son._

Stuart: Kenny, your mother's right. But I know you'll do what you want to do anyway. So if you are going to be putting your penis in girls' vaginas, I… well, I want you to have these. [He hands his ten-year-old son a box of Extra-Small Trojans.] They're condoms. I want you to be safe, now, Kenny. You got it?

_Kenny looks at the box. Then he glares at his dad._

Kenny: (Extra-Small? What's that supposed to mean?)

* * *

><p><em>At the Coon &amp; Friends meeting that afternoon, the Coon tries to discuss the facts of the case. He stands in front of a large blackboard covered in diagrams, lines, charts, names, and stick figures.<em>

The Coon: …And once Mr. Garrison was out of the way, the zebra warriors… Well, you can probably fill in the blanks yourselves. [The superheroes, with the exception of Mysterion, stare blankly at the Coon. Mysterion, of course, stares blankly at the only female in the room.] So that, my friends, is how I believe Professor Chaos pulled it off.

Stethoscope (skeptically): You think Butters killed that guy? That sounds kind of unlikely, Coon.

The Coon: Butters would totally do something like that! He's a fucking asshole! Mysterion and I have been dealing with Professor Chaos since… [The Coon looks over at Mysterion and sees that he isn't paying attention. Annoyed, he raps his claws on the table.] Mysterion! Mysterion, don't make me fucking scratch you!

Mysterion snaps back to reality, looking tired and distraught.

Mysterion: I'm paying attention.

The Coon: No, you're not. We have a case to work on, Mysterion, and you're just—

Mysterion: Don't you think I know that? Do you think I like it? It's a curse! It's a horrible curse that none of you will ever understand! …For four or five years.

Mosquito: Dude, just chill out, okay?

Mysterion: You chill out, Mosquito! Do you have any idea what it's like to not be able to jack off? It's a curse, and I have to live with it, day in and day out! And you assholes don't even care! I'm telling you, it's destroying my life! Damn you, Charlie! Damn you and your fucking titties!

Stethoscope: Wait. [She waves a hand in front of her face, thinking for a second.] Wait, wait wait wait wait. Hold up. [She stares at Mysterion with utter confusion.] You've been acting this way all this time because you think I have titties?

Toolshed: Wow, you really catch on quick, don't you, Charlie?

Stethoscope: That's stupid. I don't have titties.

Mysterion: Yes you do. All girls have titties. And yours are huge.

Stethoscope: Nuh-uh.

Mysterion: Yes they are!

Stethoscope: No I don't. I don't even have titties. See?

_Charlie, perhaps the most naïve and oblivious nine-year-old on the planet, lifts up her shirt and shows her chest to the entire room of male superheroes. They gape at her, open-mouthed._

Stethoscope: See? They aren't titties. They're just nipples, same as you guys have. [She pulls her shirt back down. The boys continue to stare at her chest.] Guys?

_Mint-Berry Crunch looks down at his nether regions._

Mint-Berry Crunch: That's weird… Mint-Berry Crunch senses something is amiss!

_Mosquito, Tool Shed, the Human Kite, Iron Maiden, and TupperWare all look down toward their genitals too._

Mosquito: Whoa. This is awesome.

Iron Maiden: TIMMAY!

_It appears that almost all of the little superheroes have erections._

The Coon: What are you guys talking about? Something with your penises? [He looks down at his own groin, which is totally un-stimulated.]

_Meanwhile, something totally different has happened for Mysterion. He is completely unaroused, which seems to relieve him. He stands up, walks over to Stethoscope, and throws his arms around her._

Mysterion: Thank you. Thank you so much.

Stethoscope: Huh? For what?

Mysterion: You're right. They aren't nearly as big as I thought they'd be. I guess I just needed to get that out of my system.

Stethoscope: Oh. Uh, you're welcome, I guess.

Mysterion: Now, if you'll all excuse me, Kenny McCormick has to go jack off to some naked pictures of Playboy models!

* * *

><p><em>The Coon &amp; Friends are all in their normal clothes. They stand and sit around in Cartman's living room. Kenny comes running out of the bathroom, looking gleeful.<em>

Kenny: (Woohoo! I can masturbate normally again!)

All: Hooray!

Kenny: (You know, I learned something today.)

Charlie: What's that?

Kenny: (I learned that women are people too, and that there's more to a female than her boobs.)

Kyle to Kenny: Really? 'Cause I think I learned the opposite of that.

Clyde: Yeah. Boobs are awesome, and Charlie is the coolest girl ever.

Kyle, Token, and Bradley: Yeah!

Charlie (smiling, flattered): Really? Thanks you guys!

Kenny: (Well, I also learned that if you're ever fixated on a specific woman's titties, all you need to do is get her to flash you and you'll go right back to normal.)

Clyde: That should be the moral of every story.

Cartman: Are you kidding? Titties are nasty.

Kenny: (You're such a fag, Cartman.)

* * *

><p><em>While all of this goes on, Stan removes himself from the group and walks to the other side of the room. <em>"_Breaking the fourth wall," so to speak, he addresses the author directly with an accusing glare._

Stan: What about me? How am I supposed to react to all of this? [Pause.] Well? What would be most in-character, jackass? Do I get all freaked out and shit because she's my fake-sister? Or do I just go along with the other guys 'cause I'm a dude? Huh? Does either of those options make any sense? Does any part of this whole story make sense? [Pause.] Answer me, you dumb bitch!

_The raven-haired boy—_

Stan: Shut up! Raven isn't even a color! You're just doing this on purpose now, aren't you? You know what? [He flips me off.] Fuck you, Threadbare!

* * *

><p><em>So there you go. I expect to write a sequel to this at some point, which would have more focus on the "crime" that the Coon &amp; Friends started investigating here. But I have, like, seven different stories I "expect" to write at the moment, so don't hold your breath.<em>

_Reviews would be excellent. Raven is not a color. Cliches can kiss my pretentious ass._


End file.
